


That Butler, Self-Sacrificial

by TheVillainousNoble



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Developing Relationship, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, Heavy Angst, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-04
Updated: 2018-08-04
Packaged: 2019-06-21 18:14:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15563592
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheVillainousNoble/pseuds/TheVillainousNoble
Summary: Tension, bitterness, misunderstanding. His master has always surprised and impressed him, and now Sebastian can't believe just how much this little imp changed him. He opened him up and reshaped him into something that Sebastian no longer recognized himself to be.





	That Butler, Self-Sacrificial

**Author's Note:**

> Requested: A story inspired by 'Walking In My Shoes' - Depeche Mode
> 
> While the song gives off the feeling of someone who goes to apologize one last time for something and would say that perhaps their feelings should be considered somewhat as well, when I picture a situation between Ciel and Sebastian, I can’t help instead imagining something extremely tense and angsty. Like, they want to talk to one another, but they can’t because of all of those other things they have said to each other before, and such a discussion for them would be for the first time. Both feel like they have a lot to say, but they are afraid of the kind of door that could possibly open for them due to this, or how some things may never be the same again.

After that particular incident when Sebastian used his own sort of approach to _motivate_ Ciel and remind the boy of his priorities, everything was fine while they were still working on the case. But then, dread began to set in between the two. In its first stages, they managed to not focus on it. The emotional tension was more set in the young Earl than in the butler. But as the butler began to receive vibes from his master, the demon somehow found himself to fill up with tension as well. Was it contagious, or was it the contract’s connection? Whatever it was, the tension Ciel was emitting put pressure even into his demeanor.

Sebastian noticed it. The boy wasn’t as open, he seemed more distant, guarded. When the butler was close to him and performed his ordinary duties like he did before, when they had those moments of closeness and Ciel was comfortable with the demon, Ciel sometimes eyed him as if saying ‘why are you getting so close to me’? But then it appeared as though the boy realized how his look came off and averted his gaze. It lasted for days now, and Sebastian didn’t know how to act around his master. How close was okay and how close was too close now? And how should he even speak to his lord now? In that moment when Ciel returned to his normal self, he took it like how Sebastian thought his proud and confident master would. But now… When Sebastian tried to speak about things they could muse for a while before, Ciel did not return the same kind of interest or feeling. And the boy preferred to be alone a lot more, even more than he did on any ordinary day. The servants took notice of the tension, and they thought that perhaps it is still something similar to what happened before. Maybe Ciel still finds adults threatening, but when their plan to get their master more comfortable by having Finny  close to him once more, resulted in Ciel coming off far colder than he was ever before, then it sank in that something else was causing this issue. Now that even the other servants did not know how to act around their master, Sebastian became truly lost.

While there were still duties to take care of when they returned to England, the group seemed distracted. They all had tasks, but depressing tension was looming over everyone. And when the report to the Queen was delivered, and Sieglinde Sullivan was offered protection and citizenship on account of her working for the British government, then there was nothing more to protect everyone in the manor from the darkness and coldness their master was radiating.

Even when it appeared that the heavy mood has lifted, that still was not the case. Ciel didn’t smile, laugh, or joke, even at things that would amuse him earlier. He treated everything with lack of emotion or care, and no one could get him to talk about what was the issue.

 _I knew it… It has to be what I had done that is causing the problem._ Sebastian mused internally and let out a sigh as he was preparing his master some tea before bed. A thought that Ciel, who has made a contract with a demon, lives with a demon, and orders the demon to do unspeakable things along with sometimes partaking in them as well, should know that something like that is to be expected. _I am a demon. He knows me well. He doesn’t get surprised by my other demonic deeds. So why is he like this!?_ Sebastian accidentally crushed the lemon in his hand, then sighed when he realized the mess he had produced with that action. Cleaning up, he proceeded to prepare his master’s tea. _Humans and their hypocritical nature. Going to laugh at other and not care when something happens to others, but will get mad when something like that happens to them!_ He let out a long sigh and that drew Bardroy’s attention. The cook eyed the butler. Figuring the man was beating himself up about something, he decided he wouldn’t say anything yet.

As much as Sebastian was angry, that train of thought soon led him to something he knew before. It was like his inner voice was reminding him of something important. _Remember what he has gone through at the tender, impressionable age of 10. How he was made to fight for all of those things to get to where he is now, even with my help. I gave him all that knowledge, but that was theory. He was on his own when he implemented it in real life with his rivals and other ill-wishers and jealous folk. I never helped him. Hell, I would have put him into a more difficult position if given the chance. While I stick to my duties, he fights the real monsters out there who are his very own kin._ Sebastian stilled as he recalled several instances as examples for those thoughts. He stared down at something without actually focusing on what his gaze was set, that was how deep he was in his thoughts and the servants who noticed him like that did not have the guts to disturb the intimidating boss. Closing his eyes, Sebastian sighed softly. _I should apologize to him. This is not about being the bigger ‘person’ in an argument, this is about owning up to what I have done. He had done so well to keep on fighting no matter his trauma and all those panic and posttraumatic attacks he has. I woke him up from another one of his episodes, but… I could have done it differently. Perhaps, just perhaps… I went overboard due to my own selfishness._ Such strange thoughts for a demon to have. If anyone knew, they’d think he was becoming domesticated.

Sebastian knocked on the door to inform Ciel of his presence, then opened it and came in with the trolley that contained the tea set. His master was sitting in his bed with the kerosene lamp on the nightstand on his side of the bed turned on. He was reading a book and did not look at Sebastian. The butler poured his master a cup of tea and held it out to the boy. “Your tea, My Lord.” Ciel finished the sentence he was on, closed the book and set it aside. He too the little dish and the cup and brought the cup to his lips for a sip. “Bocchan… I have to speak with you.” Sebastian said. He watched Ciel, but the boy still didn’t look at him. Swallowing, the demon pressed his lips together and moved to sit on the edge of the bed. _What are you doing, idiot! This is so disrespectful! Not an acceptable thing to do in this kind of situation!_ He mentally scolded himself but it was too late to go back now. “I… I realize that I have been unfair with you.”

That gained Ciel’s attention fully. The boy looked up at the demon and what he saw made his single eye open a little wider with surprise. His butler whom he knew to be so confident and vain now looked so tight as if he was anxious and scared. After a moment of silence, which Sebastian used to gather up more courage, the butler continued. “You have been through far too much and have done so well to keep on going. For someone your age, you have already reached unimaginable heights, even the kind some adults could never even dream of. And those things do not necessarily include material achievements. What I am pertaining to is your maturity and how much of a fighter you are. Despite everything, at your core, you are so strong you do not allow darkness to mar you completely and that is what is so fascinating about you. You turn your back on the light continuously, yet you have all the strength you need to keep on reaching for it. The combination of darkness and light within you has so many layers to it… I am continuously shocked by you.” Those words all poured out of him and he could not stop himself. As if… He was letting out all the feelings that welled up in him, and now even he could not stop the flow of those emotions and impressions translating into words.

These kinds of things were the last thing that Ciel ever thought he’d hear from the demon. Not even in his wildest or least sensible dream could he imagine hearing such a confession from the demon that he knew Sebastian to be. _You have no idea how many times I wanted to reveal my true feelings… I felt so betrayed by you, I thought we had trust… But then you went ahead and reminded me of the harshest reality. In the end, you are a demon, and I am a human. At the end of it all, vengeance is petty and you are just getting an easy meal, there is nothing more or less to it. I was so frustrated, wanted to scream at you and beat you. I wanted to let you know how it felt to be me. I wanted you to put yourself in my position. But how can I ask that of an emotionless demon, I told myself. I wanted you to come walk in my shoes but we are so different, like two planets in different galaxies. We come from different world and background. The number of things you and I truly have in common can be counted on just one hand._

 _If I gave into that cry within me, if I let emotion cloud my judgement, you would laugh at me. You would never look at me the same way again. I would be nothing more than another petty human; I would be what I am, a child. I would be… What you think humans are; low creatures. And yet… Here you are, an all-mighty demon who could have the world in the palm of his hand if he put his mind to it. I think that sometimes you yourself don’t realize just how much power you hold, how you could use it to conquer the world. Or am I overestimating you? No, I don’t think I am. And if you are like what I think you to be… Then why are you here, saying such things, panicking before me? You are my anchor, but right now, you looked like you are going to crumble from just a single word of mine. I thought I would just steam in my own anger for a bit, get a grip on myself, calm down, make up some sort of shitty speech like I would before, and carry on with my chin raised high. Yet… Why are you doing this, Sebastian?_ Sebastian sensed his master’s silence. Perhaps the boy didn’t know he was finished?

“I… I am not looking for absolution, My Lord… Forgiveness is not what I seek. I would just like it if you… If you would at least consider… Giving me a second chance.” Sebastian concluded. He thought he got the most of his fear out of the way now since he managed to say all of those things, but now that he voiced his intention behind that confession, the fear returned as he did not know how Ciel would react. When he looked at Ciel, he saw shock. Suddenly, that expression made Sebastian’s heart sink and his blood run cold in fear of his master seeing him as weak, either laughing in his face or thinking him weird and rejecting him completely. _Why are you so quiet? Please! Please! Don’t be quiet! Don’t look at me like that! Say something!_ Sebastian drew in a tiny breath, wanting to say something more to try and possibly diffuse the situation, get his master’s attention away from what he saw as weakness and failure in his duty, or thought Ciel would see it that way. Maybe something like ‘ah, joking!’ … No, that would make things only worse.

“I accept.” Ciel suddenly said. Sebastian’s brows rose and eyes slowly widened.

“Ah-I’m sorry?” He let out in surprise, not sure he heard his master correctly.

“I said… I accept.” Ciel repeated. Sebastian’s eyes were set on Ciel’s, they moved between the mismatched orbs in their search for something that could give him a hint toward something else behind his master’s words. But when he found no ulterior motive or an intention to cover up any sort of disgust, Sebastian couldn’t help the smile of happiness and the small laugh of relief that escaped him. He dove in and wrapped his arms around his master’s waist, his head on the boy’s abdomen and he rested over the other’s lap. “Oh!” Ciel let out softly in surprise, managing to hold the cup of tea well enough and not spill anything. Looking at the butler, he himself ended up smiling softly. He set the cup on its little dish on his night stand and placed one hand on Sebastian’s shoulder and another on the demon’s head in a tender manner.

The two proceeded to cuddle, and at some point they felt just a tiny bit awkward and had second thoughts regarding this, all due to their previous experiences with each other. But this… This somehow felt so right. To be in each other’s arms, to hold each other like this, to be so close, to kind and gentle with each other. Their hearts sang to one another and that song overpowered whatever sense of shame their brains tried to raise. They needed this. This was right. They wouldn’t be able to go on without this.

**Author's Note:**

> I somehow feel that the summar tells one things, the explanation for my take on the song another, and the actual story presents everything in a third way. All I can hope for now is that this was a sufficient and pleasing read.


End file.
